If You Kiss, Should You Tell – Confessing to Cheating
“If you’re in a committee relationship and you cheat, should you tell your partner or take it to the grave?”
Many would say, without giving it a 2nd thought that you should confess. That a loving relationship is based on trust and honesty, and by withholding that information you slight your partner the right to choose whether they want to forgive and forget or not. While others would just as quickly say you shouldn’t confess because admitting that one time slip up could forever damage the trust in your relationship or even cause it to end when it could’ve remained happy if you hadn’t revealed such a secret.
Here’s what I think…
(*Disclaimer I am not condoning cheating. This blog is not about whether you should cheat or the factors that a person may face when deciding to cheat. This is strictly about the aftermath choices a person has once the act has already been committed and there’s no turning back. This also is a random blog of topic and does not necessarily reflect what I am going through in my relationship.)
It’s sad to say, but there’s really no simple yes or no answer. There’re drastic cons and beneficial pros for both people in each situation. So instead of trying to persuade you to one over another, I’m just providing the facts!
‘I’ll take ‘Don’t Tell Her’ for 100′
Now right off the bet, the beneficial pros of not telling are easily identified:
* What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her (so they say).
* Without telling, you avoid dealing with her angry and possible retaliation.
* You also get a 2nd chance without anyone knowing you screwed the 1st one up.
…but things aren’t all peaches and cream with this option.
Though you might be able to remove her from the equation, many times just holding a secret like this can cause problems.
* Every time you two reminiscent about your history together,
* Every time you restate your vows or reassure each other that you’ll always be the only one for each other,
…you’ll know in reality there’s a dark secret she doesn’t know about; and that could eat at your conscious.
Another reason is the actual reason you cheated to begin with. If you never confess to your cheating, you might never confront the issue with her, which could cause you to cheat again. And the BIGGEST con, her discovering that you cheating down the road, will only amplify all the things you were trying to avoid by not telling her in the beginning.
So though you may choose not to tell, it requires a strong mental capacity to not beat yourself down over it and to find the root cause without kissing and telling.
‘I’ll go with ‘Tell Her’ for 100′
Without giving much thought to it we all can identify the initial cons of telling.
* Revealing this secret is going to hurt her emotional, physically and mentally.
* You may lose your relationship altogether.
* Even if you don’t lose it, you will suffer from lost trust, anger and resentment for awhile.
Right there, some people may decide that telling is not for them; whether it’s because you genuinely care about not hurting her or you selfishly don’t want to deal with the repercussions of your actions. …but confessing isn’t all grim.
One of the biggest things you have to realize is that any positive outcomes of telling are going to take time to manifest. Initially, you’re gonna have to deal with more cons than pros. But if your relationship can survive those initial blows, there are many pros that can follow.
* After the initial trust issues, she’ll see that she can trust you to talk to her about anything, even if doing so will make you look bad.
* Through multiple conversations the two of you can identify the root cause for you cheating and can work on it together.
* Dramatic experiences can bring you two closer once that door is finally shut and behind you.
Bottom line, confessing is better for long term benefits, IF you can stick it out through the initial hard and long grueling process of healing. If you’re not sure that your relationship can survive that, not confessing may sound like the path for you. But remember with not telling, the longer you go with not confessing the worst the outcome will be if ever the secret leaks out. It’s a lot to ponder!
What do you think is best to do? Leave your comments below.
1Kerri Watkins
wrote on 14 May 2009 at 9:56
There are so many diifferent reasons a person cheats. Saying from experience i will admit in my reply that im the one that has cheated in my relationship. I havent got a good reason why and i always thought i would never cheat because i wouldnt want to be cheated on myself. However i know understand why i person would. I feel and have felt guilty but not enough to stop. I love the person im with but im not in love with them anymore. We have been together wow i was 16 when we ment….i will be 33 in September. of this year. I didnt cheat till the last few years of our relationship. I did tell them the first time and they got over it in time. We are not married dont live together and don’t have children. I thought my life would be different at this point and the feeling of being trapped is not a good one. Walking away isnt that easy in my case. We’ve been though alot. I dont want to break their heart but mine’s been broken for years. Its tricky……love i meen. I feel lost and for me the reason i have cheated is purely sexual at this point. I know there is more to it,but how do you tell the person you’ve been spent half your life with that you dont want to be with them anymore??? Thats the guestion at hand for me and i stuggle with it EVERYDAY! It doesnt matter if your gay,straight,or bi this goes for anyone in any relationship because life is life and love is love. There is sooooo much to my relationship i could write a book because we’ve been through alot. Im a great person with a huge giving giving heart and i deserve more……. Take care everyone xoxo Kerri from NY
2Cora
wrote on 15 May 2009 at 2:32
I’ve learned my lessons well. I strongly think that if there is problems in the relationship to allow one to be interested in another person to the level that they would cave under the right circumstance, then it’s the person you are saying you are committed to that needs to be the first to know. If it happens without you putting yourself in the position for that possibility, then you owe it to the person you are in a relationship with to be honest. I don’t care what the price is to pay for it. There are no excuses for me that would make it okay to be deceitful to anyone involved. You should have moved on before getting involved with someone else, even for a one night stand. Obviously your partner at home is not the right one (not you the blog writer, but “you” as in people in general). If you are interested in other people from time to time, and want a mainstay at the same time, then you find someone who is cool with that… not someone whom is not, because paper trails come back to haunt the one who loves you and I do not want to be that person who caused that devastation in the one who loves me. It’s not fair to others at all. It is very selfish and cruel otherwise.
3Serenity
wrote on 15 May 2009 at 9:03
Kerri I’m sry to hear that you aren’t happy in your relationship. Of course there’s exceptions to every rule and if you have been feeling dissatified and heartbroken for years, I can understand why you may have sort that connection elsewhere. I appreciate your willingness to share your story with us and I do hope that your dreams do come true and that you get all that you do want for yourself in life and love.
4Serenity
wrote on 15 May 2009 at 9:08
I can def see your point as well because you have this partner who may think everything is good and there’s this big secret going on that they don’t know about. But do you think that telling them, might cause them pain that could’ve been avoided if you hadn’t told? Or do you think it still needs to be told even though the initial reaction could be bad?
5Kerri W from ny a.k.a.virgo vixen
wrote on 15 May 2009 at 16:32
I just have all kinds of thoughts swimming in my head. Its hard to sort them out. I know what ive been doing is selfish. But in all the time nearly 15 yrs in a relationship that wasnt all bad. Its hard for me to explain. We arnt even married ive waited so long for them to ask me to marry them i dont even know if i want to anymore. Its not like i cheated the entire 15yr relationship,just the last couple years im really not trying to make excuses. Like i said i could write a book on our history. Thank you all for your comments. And as far as me telling them the truth about me being unfaithful i did the first time and i woulndt tell them again if i did cheat again,if that makes me a bad person then so be it….I’m only human and there is soooo much more to what i think and feel…. like writing at this time. Kerri
6Serenity
wrote on 18 May 2009 at 8:46
Every story has two sides and normally are deeper than what appears on the surface, so I truly believe that there’s so much more to your story that might change the perception of those who currently don’t agree. We thank you for sharing what you have and hope that you do find the happiness that you are seeking, whether it be with your current partner or someone else.
7Anonymous
wrote on 24 May 2009 at 18:01
Hi, outgoing posts there
hold responsible’s for the gripping word
8Fretrooheni
wrote on 5 June 2009 at 15:26
Hi, Congratulations to the site owner for this marvelous work you’ve done. It has lots of useful and interesting data.
9Kelly Brown
wrote on 12 June 2009 at 18:21
The best information i have found exactly here. Keep going Thank you
10KattyBlackyard
wrote on 14 June 2009 at 19:39
The article is usefull for me. I’ll be coming back to your blog.
11KonstantinMiller
wrote on 6 July 2009 at 12:47
Hi! I like your srticle and I would like very much to read some more information on this issue. Will you post some more?
12Serenity
wrote on 6 July 2009 at 14:48
13Olley D.
wrote on 30 August 2009 at 18:44
Thanks for writing this great blog I really enjoyed.