Make Love Not War in Your Relationship – Give Yourself Time to Cool Down First (1 of 10)
You and your cuddy buddy have been really busy this week, so you decide it would be nice to meet and unwind at a nice restaurant with some good food and drinks after work. You’ve been raving about your date all week but when the big day and time arrives, you significant other can’t be found anywhere. Not only have you not received a call, but you’re not getting an answer when you call. Finally after two hours, and much anguish and concern, she shows up and seeing that she’s fine and was just being extremely inconsiderate pisses you off more than you could ever imagine. How do you respond?
In my series, Make Love Not War in Your Relationship, that answer starts with my #1 tip: give yourself time to cool down first.
When we’re in a heated situation with our significant other it’s very hard to think beyond the moment. We have a tendency to react first and then think later…and that later is normally filled with at least one regret. By ‘getting away’ for a few moments before responded, we allow ourselves to calm down and think rationally before exploding all over our partner and making the situation worst.
Now I know regretting your actions or even being concerned with your mate’s feelings at that moment may not be enough to stop you in your tracks, but just think how much more effective you could be at getting your points across if you allowed yourself time to collect all your thoughts, think through all the scenarios and present the information in a calm demeanor. That doesn’t mean you should just walk off without saying ‘anything’…that could also cause more problems than not; but simply state that you can’t deal with it right then and that you need a moment. Not only will you have a better chance at your partner actually ‘hearing’ what you have to say, but there will probably be just a lil fear at how angry you really are and what you’re going to do since you walked off when it happened and you seem so calm when you returned…make her sweat just a little! (haha) That’ll definitely get her full attention and ensure that she’s going to listen to what you have to say.
Some ppl can make good judgments even through their anger, but I think that most of us react instead of responding. When we do that, not only do we have to deal with the original issue, but now we have to deal with the consequences of whatever we’ve said or done in that moment of anger. This is why it is essential to get this tip down packed before moving to the others.
With a calm demeanor you can think clearer and can open your logical and emotional gates to see through your issues better. You can begin to speak from your heart about how the situation has made you feel versus shouting insults to try to make your partner feel just as bad. And in a good relationship, putting your heart on the table is an everyday occurrence. In a good relationship we each do this and trust that though imperfect slip ups will happen from time to time, we both want to be in care of the other’s heart and will do whatever it takes to protect it. Knowing this will help soften your hurt and your heart and allow you two to honestly talk your way through any issues.
What have been your experiences of instantly reacting over taking some time to think through your thoughts and emotions before responding? Leave your comments below.
Update 3/26/09 -I forgot to add a vital part to my point! 
We’re not always able to literally get away from our mates when we’re upset, such as during a car ride, or at an event where you came together and have to leave together. Allowing yourself time to cool down doesn’t ‘have’ to be done out of their presence. There’s nothing wrong with keeping to yourself as long as you’re doing this to collect your thoughts so that you can approach the topic again later. The problem occurs when we resort to silence to avoid confrontation or avoid talking about it. That’s not cooling down, that’s covering up…which is a completely different and BAD thing to do.
This is part 1 of a 10 tip series. To start at the beginning of Make Love Not War in Your Relationship, click here.
