Rambling Serenity

“Ignorance may be bliss, but not trying to listen and learn is just plain wrong!”

In my series, Make Love Not War in Your Relationship, I’m providing my personal 10 tips to help couples steer through confrontations with each other. Tip #2 is: listen to one another.

This might sound like a no-brainer, but I’m surprised at how many couples complain that they feel they aren’t heard by their partners. Whether,
* you feel you’re too angry to listen, or
* your attention is divided between multiple things, or
* you’re so adamant about voicing your points that you overpower your partner’s words, or
* you feel you’ve heard her words time and time again, there’s no point of listening anymore,
…we all have been guilty of not giving our partners our full attention.

It can be even harder to listen when we’re in an argument because we feel we’re standing on opposite ends of the spectrum and our thoughts and feelings conflict. At the same time, listening is one of the most important steps in conquering confrontations and moving past them. So how do you get to the point where you’re willing to listen?

The first step is conquering tip #1, allowing yourself time to cool down. With a clear and focus mind we can come back to the conversation knowing what our true feelings are and what main points we want to emphasis to our partners. This allows us to calmly wait our turn to speak and give our attention to our mates instead of thinking about what we’re going to say as soon as we get a moment to jump in.

Normally when I really listen to what is being said I can easily find where the two of us got off on a different path. She’ll say something that was a misinterpretation or leave out something that I thought was major, which helps me see where she’s coming from. And even if her words don’t help reveal the source of our conflict, it becomes a great starting point for me to counteract my feelings and thoughts on the discussion.

Listening doesn’t always have to be literal. Maybe one of you can’t articulate your thoughts well…or you’re a little apprehensive about expressing your vulnerabilities face to face. Do what works for you:
* call,
* text,
* email,
* write it down
…just communicate somehow!

You and your cuddy buddy are having a tense night and you’re not even sure why. Everything seemed to be okay in the beginning, but the mood shifted somewhere along the way and now you’re kinda avoiding one another. After taking a few moments to compose yourself, you tell your partner that you don’t want to go to bed upset and that you have an idea. You each take a piece of paper and write ‘What happened?’ at the top and separately start to write the night’s events from your different point of views. Once done, you swap papers and read what the other wrote. By composing your thoughts first and then allowing yourself to ‘listen’ to your partners written words you quickly discover that there was a huge misunderstanding in the beginning of the night that lead to the thick tension between the two of you. Whatever the issue was, now that it has been identified, the two of you can work to resolve it.

Patience is a MUCH needed quality in any relationship. It’s essential that you learn how to exercise patience and know when to speak, when to listen…and when to just leave it alone! During more serious and long winded conversations, it may be helpful for each of you to have a sheet a paper where you can jolt down comments while the other speaks. This can keep you from interrupting to justify any comments made and can help you dedicate more efforts into listening instead of glazing over while you’re in your own thoughts in your head!

All of this can become relativity easy to do with a cooperative partner; but what about when she is mad at you and she isn’t taking these tips to mind. Stay tune to tip #3 where we’ll discuss dealing with our angry partner more.

This is part 2 of a 10 tip series. To start at the beginning of Make Love Not War in Your Relationship, click here.

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