Rambling Serenity

Oh, there are so many reasons why we have insecurities in relationships.
* You got hurt in the past,
* You were taught not to trust anyone but yourself,
* You witness someone close to us go through heartbreak and swore it would never happen to you.
No matter how it came about, we all fear being hurt by someone who means a lot to us; and because of this reason we many times hide the whole truth and nothing but the truth for fear that it will make us more vulnerable.

Now I can’t guarantee that if you put yourself out on a limb without a net you’ll be caught every time. That’s the gamble of love. But when you’re in that good relationship where you both wanna see it through to the end, then it’s time to start putting faith in that committee and moving pass the pains of the past. In my 10 part series ‘Make Love Not War in Your Relationship‘, tip #4 is: be honest on every level.

You and your cuddy buddy go out for a night on the town. Everything is going well until you start noticing that your girl is silently flirting with someone across the bar who’s reciprocating right in front of you. You don’t want to seem like a nag especially since no one has really crossed a line (I mean, you’ve harmlessly flirted before yourself right!), but it’s really bothering you and finally after you two get home alone you bring it up.

At this point, complete honesty can take this conversation through so many different levels. Just admitting that you were bothered by your mate’s actions is the first step. By doing this you honestly admit to yourself and to her that you can feel jealous or even disrespected by something that she can say or do. Now in a bad relationship that might give her fuel to dominate you by intentionally doing it to control your mood, but in a good relationship (the ones we’re striving to make here) it would help her to identify your insecurities so that she could protect and steer away from evoking them.

That’s the beauty of honesty in a good relationship. We hold back SO many of our true feelings and insecurities because of the vulnerable place it puts us. Giving up complete control of your heart is a HARD thing to do, especially if you’ve done it before and got hurt; but it’s something that HAS to be done in a lasting and healthy relationship. By admitting that her interest in another person bothered you, it opens the door to more questions…namely “why”. Like a curious child trying to understand the world, ask ‘why’ a lot! It will dig deeper into any situation until it reveals the feeling that causes it.

By being honest about your feelings and digging deeper past the event into the reason why that event could even evoke such a response in you, you might discover that you were bothered by her actions because:
* It made you feel that she didn’t desire you as much as she desired this other person,
* Her blatant attraction to someone else caused you to compare yourself and you are insecure about how you might match up,
* It’s obvious you two are a couple, and her flirting with someone else in your presence might give the impression that this person could disrespect you without consequences.
It might be hard to admit those things to yourself, let alone to someone else who has the ability to make you feel them, but again, to develop a lasting, strong relationship you have to disclose the good and the bad to each other.

By opening that door to your insecurities you also allow her to demonstrate how much she is willing to care for you. (*Note: I am not saying you should disclose your feelings as a test for your mate. Tests are childish and immature and normally result in more harm than help. This is a process of ‘actions speak louder than…other people’s past actions’ and a way for you to finally and firmly believe within yourself that you are safe and can let go of those past insecurities.) When you see that she is willing to go the extra mile to calm your insecurities that may not even steam from her, this will start to slowly rid your heart of them. The more you disclose and work out together, the more your bonds will grow.

This process is also a two way street. The more you open those sacred doors to your mate, the more she will open to you. It will surprise you how much she can relate to your worries because they may be her own. If not the exact same insecurity, just knowing that there are things that she fears too will help you two see each other more as vulnerable people, waiting to give your heart away but afraid to. Knowing this will move each of you to be the support each other needs; and that’s a beautiful thing.

Ever had a moment like this: started from a recent event than turned into a two way confession? Share it with us below.

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